I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
