Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
