you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
