As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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