I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
