Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
