Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
