Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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