It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
