I wish I could teleport
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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