I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
