just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
