I didn't shave. On purpose
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
