He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
