dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
