I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
