Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
