There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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