I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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