Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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