Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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