What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
