This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
