I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
