fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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