my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
