Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
