I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
