May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
