I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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