I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
