if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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