You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
