I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
