you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
