trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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