I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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