is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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