i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
