why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
