I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
