we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
