I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
