We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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