Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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