Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
