Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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