Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
