The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
