I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
